egg

If you know me at all you will know that I am terrified by most things? Like I’m pretty good at handling my anxiety and getting through everything but as a person I am so scared of almost everything about the human experience. I’m scared of bugs, snakes, rollercoasters, driving, debt, getting canceled, being hated, climbing trees, wasting money, spicy food, heights, plane crashes, being hacked, getting kidnapped, mystery symptoms, political tension, guns, knives, needles, heatstroke, sunburn, and so on and so forth. I’m not exactly proud of this fact about myself because it stops me from doing a lot of things that might actually be worth it for me to try, but I have to do it scared. SO! I have been trying my best to do things while scared. I’m gonna be talking about a few of them below, from least scary to most scary.

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1. I tried an avocado.

Listen. I know the other things on this list are making me seem a bit insane, but trying avocado is a big fucking step for me after more than two decades of being bullied by my family for my eating habits. I was scared I wasn’t going to like it and that it would be a waste of money, I was scared that I wouldn’t know when it was ripe and that I would eat it when it was over or under ripe and that it would poison me and I would die. Thankfully, none of that happened. Well, I guess one part of it did. I do not like avocado because the taste overpowers the texture even though the texture is good. It’s so unfortunate. Oh well though. Now I know that I don’t like it so it’s a learning experience.

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2. I’m trying to learn how to drive, I learned how to park (in concept).

This week’s driving lesson was really rough. LIKE REALLLLYYY rough. As a summary my partner is the one teaching me how to drive at the ripe age of 22, and I really do keep wishing that I had gotten this done earlier but we are living in the now. He said something that confused me about which way to turn the wheel when you are driving backwards and then realized he was telling me the wrong thing and backtracked, and it sent me into a whole spiral where I had to sit for like 20 minutes to calm down. I am thankful that he is so patient with me and I know that it was an honest mistake but boy! That sent me into a damn doozy. GUESS WHAT THOUGH! I still drove for like an hour after! And I did some good left turns with out over correcting and I dealt with a fucker in my neighborhood riding my ass AND increased speed. I am hashtag doing it! It’s really important to me to remember moments like this where I can have my fucking freak out and still get back onto the horse and deal with it.

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3. I held a big ass ball python.

I feel like this requires a bit of background. My mother, in all her issues, was bitten by a snake as a child so bad that she had to go to the hospital and grew up with that fear and passed that fear down to her children. I understand why she is scared of them, but in her ignorance she created an unnecessary fear of snakes in her children instead of teaching us to be aware of our surroundings and to respect wildlife. Therefore, when I was going over to my friend’s house for a birthday party, I kind of assumed I would just be dodging their snake because I don’t like them. However, he was kind of cute! I sort of just watched at first and this snake was a fucking goober, not a single thought in that flat skull. He had to be gently massaged through a hole in a chair because he was kinda dumb and wanted to explore, and his head fit but the rest of his body… well… It was a struggle. I eventually got the courage to hold him after petting him a bit and studying his body language and he was so sweet. He kind of felt like he was trying to give me a hug. There was one point where he simply stopped moving around me cause he was like… “damn this is a warm rock” and he got sleepy and yawned. The yawn kind of spooked me so I handed him back off to his owner but he was actually so precious and I am reconsidering my opinions on snakes. I think I just have to start recategorizing them in my brain. Domesticated snakes are just like domesticated dogs, they have the ability to be mean but usually only when they are not taken care of properly or scared. Wildlife snakes and dogs (wolves) are a different story. A picture of me with the ball python is here! (https://postimg.cc/zHRc6FMV) trying to be as cautious as possible about sharing snake pics because other people might also have a fear of them and may not be ready for the journey of Not Being So Scared.

I say this as someone who generally does not do wrap-up type stuff. I need to start keeping a better record of the things that I watch, read, or listen to! I’m pretty sure that I echoed this same idea in my review of last year but I’ve been trying to keep track of things in a somewhat realistic way for myself which is hard when I don't want to record things at all. I just want the outcome because I love looking at data collected and compiled. Which is why I had a really hard time thinking about whether I wanted to post this to youtube in a video format or in a text format, but I think that a text format will be easier to let 1. Get a little long-winded without worrying about anyone caring and 2. I can keyword search and can immediately find my old opinions for the end of the year to compile (it’s crazy that there are only four months left). I also just really wanted something easy to come back to dreamwidth, and I think that reviewing stuff that has already happened rather than trying to do a grand think piece is probably a little bit better of a way to dip my toes in.

I think that I will do a mix of the “weekly good things” format (which I learned about from Holden) and Jordan Myrick’s “monthly top 10 favorites” on youtube though at some point… maybe some of Lucy Knisley’s “rose bud thorn gratitude journal”... I’m still trying to think of a good format for myself in that department. I do want to start regularly making videos of me talking about things that I am glad exist. I struggle saying affirmations aloud and believing in myself, so I think that part of me is wanting to build that kind of practice with this concept.

But back to the July Reviews!

( Books - tracked via notes app then transferred to storygraph )

( Movies & Shows - recorded on letterboxd )

( Movies & Shows - recorded on letterboxd )


Stuff to Consume in August
Now Would Be A Good Time - Folk Bitch Trio (album)
Two Wrongs Make A Right - Chloe Liese (book - like ⅓ way through)
Much Ado About Nothing - rewatch (play)